song lyrics, of course

songs are awesome *understatement of the decade*
take this one, i love it, don't know why... " he says Brandy/ you're a fine girl/ what a good wife you would be/ but my life, my love, and my lady/ is the sea..."
or this one... " you're in my heart/ you're in my soul/ you'll be my breathe when i grow old/ you're my lover, youre my best friend/ you're in my soul... "
and another..."we come into this world and take our chances/ fate is just the weight of circumstances/ that's the way that lady luck dances/ roll the bones..."
and a fourth (esquire)..."all the vampires/walking through the valley/ head west down/ventura boulevard..."
and a fifth (not that kind of fifth...not ready to get drunk just now...)..."i've seen fire/ and i've seen rain/i've seen sunny days that i thought would never end/ i've seen lonely times when i could not find a friend/ but i always thought that i'd see you agian..."
and a new one, a sixth..."now every cop is a criminal/and all the sinners, saints..."
seven, my loves..."and we stare each other down/like victims in teh grind/ probing all the weaknesses/and hurt still left behind/ and we cry/the tears of pearls..."
eight-ness..."who wants to live forever..."
neuf..." and as i watch you walk through that open door/all i ever wanted was you..."
and a perfect ten..."i dream of rain/i dream of gardens in the desert sand/ i wake in pain/i dream of love as time runs through my hands..."
elevensies (hobbits!)... "you're a heart-breaker/ dream-maker/ love-taker, don't you mess around with me..."
midnight (or twelve)..." when i find myself in times of trouble/ mother mary comes to me/ speaking words of wisdom/let it be..."
lucky thirteen..."runs the all time loser/head long to his death... his woman and his best friend/ in bed and having fun... and the all time winner/has got him by the balls..."
fourteen at last..."black hole sun/ won't you come/and wash away the rain..."
and the lovely fifteen..."in the silence between whisper and doubt/ the space between wonder and doubt/ this is a fine place/ to hesitate/ those bonfire lights in the lake of sky/ the time between wonder and why..."
and the last "i promise!" sixteen (candles)..."xanadu-held within the pleasure dome/ decreed by kubla khan/ to taste my bitter triumph/ as a mad immortal man/ nevermore shall i return/ escape the caves of ice/ for i have dined on honey dew/ and drunk the milk of paradise..."

monday

damn, did it again....the blasted titles keep getting away from me....
anyway....
today, eh...it's been a day from hell, i guess, i dunno....i haven't really been paying attention, i just sorta floated through it, feeling fuzzy and benevolent towards the tiny people who scurried by me wrapped up in themselves, jostled in the seas of humanity, and wondering... where has my empathy gone? i'm not saying i felt compassion, but i did understand what most people felt in a clinical sort of way...i did not care, and i still don't, but i do not kid myself that it doesn't effect me anymore, i am just....confused, i would say... about these new things i am to take into account...how the opinion of so many is hard to avoid, even if it does for me exactly nihil (latin, look it up) ... people bothe me more,now, used to they made me resonate, i would vibrate with the mental onslought a hundred voices around me, through me, and within me, and now... it hurts... it's tearing me apart... i need to hibernate, probably...or brumate, rather, i'm said to be a snake in the grass anyway, might as well do things properly
anyway twice....
soooooooo....nothing doing here, as usual, home is where the heart is and everything, but rather, home is more where one goes to retreat...can't wait to get my own place, though common sense is to stay at home for a few more years, as it saves me big money on houseing in college *grrrr*... patience is, if anything, the only thing i have going for me... i just hope i don't wait too long and get my wings shriveled through lack of use...though the perks of being in the big school is more time to do stuff outside without a curfew... speaking of which, what's up with my life now?!? sudden;y i get to do all this stuff and mum is like, ok, be home for dinner, what gives? i could have doen with this sort of free time long before now....though i'm not going to go about nosing into it for fear that i shall jinx it...can't wait for christmas break though, that's when i get to go back to the place that was my home for ages 3 to 16...oh god, i miss jon and KT (i would marry them both if i could, and we could live in a gingerbread house in alaska and get tax breaks... :))sometimes i wake up at night, howling at the moon...all i know is that something happened in my dreams that i see them... and the pang of seperation is almost more then i can bear... strange that, usually, i don't think about people for the LONGEST time when i go, i'm sort of an "all times are now" person (as is Aslan, but he's a lion and that quote is in the Voyage of the Dawn treader)... i keep thinking it can't possible be as long as it's been since i left...
anyway thrice....
doing deoxyribonucleic acid in class...what? you don't know DNA when you see it? how shameful... i thought everyone knew about that sort of thing! anyway, this is going to be a slightly easier unit for me, having had genetic stuff hammered into me early on freshman year with a stick and a teacher named t-dawg (now that sounds mildly disturbing...) she was great... but like i said, never going to forget any of that stuff -forEVER-
oh praises of joy, stuart and i are almost done with our fruit flies (we're on our LAST cross)...*sigh* i might miss the little buggers (ha ha... bug-gers... ha ha ) when they're all dead and gone....hermm, let me think.... NOT AT ALL... *sheesh*, more trouble then they're worth... you see? this is why kids would not be good for me, if i can't handle fruit flies, what makes people think i can handle children?????!?!?! actaully, i'm good with kids, i treat them like i treat puppies... which is a sight better then i treat most grown-ups... feed them, clean up after them, and put them down for a nap in front of the fire on a fluffy rug... *grins and chuckles at the mental image that conjures up*

monday

car of silence
on an empty road
streched out agianst sky
and i
i sing with the silence
blank harmonies
striking rhythms nonexistant
thrilling to the languages of night
finger-surfing aginst the wind
no headlights passing
no one to see
arms spread wide to rain
eyes pressed to silence
car of silence
on an empty road
just for once, letting it go
nothing to prove to the night
the live wire of this silence
coaxes the silence within;
without
had your choices,
fast
hard
and easy
made the decisions in the barely-there state
but i'm gone
half-way down between there and now
sewn it torn into my breath
breathe it deep to rise it up
strung out on this silent trip
solo with a second skin
skin
of silence
car of silence
on an empty road

evil shopping days are here!

okay, okay, i know i haven't written anything since like, tuesday... but i've been very busy, alright?!? people do need to sleep to outrageous times and lay about doing nothing every once in a while. though to tell you the truth, i didn't do much sleeping in on wed...i spent the entire day out with the guys, and it was awesome, it's been awhile since we just hung out...i went and -finally- saw the life of brian at josh's house, great kid, going through the emotional rollercoaster from hell that is love currently so i think he needed some funniness time...anyway, truly hysterical movie, no hype could have made it better, ("...just look on the bright side of life...doot do doot do, do do do do do doot...") then i went and picked up one of my disgustingly late sleeper (doesn't usually get up til 11, disgraceful... :) ) friends and off we went, ended up spending a lot of time at the greenway and shopping for various things (like cat food, my mother knows no sanity at this time of year, she sent me, when i'm going to be spending the day with the boys, to get cat food, of all things)...then we went to see the incredibles (i swear, we were the oldest people there not forced to watch after little kids) which was also quite funny, and well worth pretending to have gotten lost and ended up in the wrong theater instead watching the horridly gruesome r rated grown-up movies down the hall...so anyhow, that was awesome, and i dropped my friend off and went home, to eat of course, one of my few talents...(i take a bow) and then back into town to see the "world famous" lipizzaner stallions...how beautiful is the only thing that comes to mind... how can moves and choreograpy that would look horridly over-simplified and laughable when done by human preformers look so graceful and complicated when done by deep-cheasted white horses? they have put battle manovers to music with the result of eight fallen unicorns wheeling and leaping about in perfect harmony with Bach...and then out of nowhere, came streaking my best beloved most beautiful girls...claire and trex dive-bombed us during the intermission, i had no idea that either one of them was not only in town but at the lipizzaners, needless to say, i got hugged within an inch of my life... both of my girls looked stellar, college life would appear to be agreeing with the both of them... (and claire, you have too lost weight)
thanking all the gods both known and unknown that thanks-giving is over and my mother can finally relax down from her spastic-as-an-elastic-band-and-if-she-flies-off-the-handle-she'll-take-someone's-eye-out mood...it makes her a tad bit overwrought when ever dad's relatives come up...i was lucky to escape, really, on wed...i could have been stuck home *gasp* cleaning like my sisters...good thing han was late getting home from comunity band and therefore i get the the car... hehehe penance has it's uses...though i do love them, a few more hours of not IF you get married, but WHEN you get married would have made me scream, i have no intention of getting married and as for children... *BLARGH* is all i have to say, thank gods nature made it physically impossible for me to have children all by my lonesome...
today we're going to go job hunting for han in the morning (if she'd just suck it up an put herself back on morning shift she wouldn't be having these employment issues, but apparently she had quite enough of that while i was, quote "off having fun with the park service" unquote...well she does have a point, at least i was outside all summer...) and then we're going to hang out with jason for a few hours...
my father and his meat...i swear, sitting here innocent as the driven snow (and we had a bit of that yesterday, but none of it stuck) and he walks in and slaps something large and bloody on the counter... *gak* apprently the neighbors up the hill gave him some deer or something like that... probably cause mum took them cake...blood doesn't bother me, but to have it drenching the counter from someone's leg is quite another story... though for the same reason i like the movie jurassic park...hmmmm....the book was light years better (and that would be 300,000 miles a second better) but the movie is still pretty awesome...

friday! (or tuesday, whatever)

had that dream last night...or rather, not the dream was the same, but the setting was...i dreamt about going back to my old elementary school with a bus load of kids (now, what i'm doing driving a bus when i can barely drive a car...) spiriting off half of them to another school by giving them to a parent (i think, don't care, not fond of kids) and then going in to see what to do about the rest...and then, of course, finding this entirely diffrent old grand prep school kind of place, falling apart grandeur, dank wooden sweeping spirl staircases, a pool, of all things, and then three of my friends (sorta) from here, kehvon, bekah and some kid from my ap euro class (that was the sorta) walking around too, eating cake and drinking brandy, of all things...anyway, the point is, i've never been in a school like this in my life, and here i am, in it constantly in my dreams...i mean, i could probably give you a guided tour of the place, if you ever care to visit, i've been there so often...wonder what that means? freud would have a heyday with this one...
the girls and i are currently waging war (that's goat girls, not human girls) they keep getting out and i keep chasing them and plugging up the holes they've used to escape, i told dad that an electric fence simply woul dnot keep goats in, he did not, of course, listen... so now it's battle, and i'm losing, i'm getting my ass whooped by a herd of fat, furry, doddering old ninny-nannies...*sheesh* i just let them run wild, i don't care, they always get back in the pen before it gets dark...
*pause for a little fun*
hahaha, i always do enjoy getting my sister up...han responds so well, she squeals and flails about so nicely, my favorite ploy is to rip off her covers and sit on her, though when she's being typically stubborn, i do enjoy picking her up and dropping her in the shower, then turning the water on... hey, it's free entertainment, and she's got to take on anyway...anyway, katrina (the cat, my roomie) even gets in on the action, i toss her on the bed from a safe distance and watch the sparks fly...you know, maybe this is the reason han is so grumpy all the time....hermmmmm

monday..well, actually, it's thursday, but it's really monday...

*sigh*
i knew it, i knew the minute i got my stupid licence re-issued, my retarded wallet would turn up... too bad it turned up in my ex's car...wonder how it got there? anyway, not looking forward to getting it back, he's been rather rude, and all avoiding-ish... anyway, not really worried about it, if that's the way he wants it to be, then that's his problem... anna did offer to get it for me, so we have a solution, if he doesn't want to be civil enough to carry on a decent conversation, then i shall have to resort to cloak and dagger manovers...
happiness! jason and john want to do some solo stuff and they're thinking about letting me be their drummer! depends on if i'm good enough or not though...that could be a problem...ergh, haven't played in quite awhile...well, guess i'll just have to get back on the practicing! they're talking punk rock, and the beats on that genre are hardly mind twisting, so i might have a chance...that would be so much fun...
anyway, got to go now, han wants the computer and tom has put me in a much better mood (tom petty, of course) plus..it's star gate mondays!

lessons learned

look at her, she took it so well
look at him, he's already himself
they don't see beyond the shell
they just see the shallow etched on glass
reflected in the words
they fly on
content in a happy resolution
it isn't the kiss
it isn't the touch
not something broken in the midnight of lust
threads that are snapped, made by blood
heart strings shorn by the razor truth
in the game of love, someone made a false step
forgot their role and broke the rules
now it lays there on the table between them
a shot of sorrow between their coffee cups
bared to the world, no turning back
can't stop caring just because you know
but you can never go back
that's just the way it is
if they turn back, it would be a sin
no one can begin agian
there's no chance
shrugging through the grapevine, turn away,
another gunned down in the name of love
the pen has bled me dry,
to tell you of this tragedy
no tears left,
no point to cry
locked it up inside
no one else should care how it feels
and my helm has strapped it's self on tight
oh god
i want to scream
but i cannot
i will not
i will let it be

what a silly child, crying like it's lost

oh yeah

i got accepted to ASU, and my scholarship stuff has now been accepted by the AU scholarship commity...so we're good

so..this open mic thingy...

and first off, let me say, you people who get up there to do such things have got to be insane...i mean, i do public speaking, but public playing/singing is something else entirely...
it was pretty good last night, i went caus ei wanted to check it out, and to hand out with a few people, that's all, but pretty soon, i was riveted..i mean, not everyone was good, and a great many of the artists (dare i call them that?) weren't attention grabbing in any logical way, but i swear, to see someone play an instrument, is to catch their walls unaware, to speak to their soul and not to their barriers...prehaps that is why music is so loved? it was facinating...anyway, i have to say a few things... 1) NATHAN SHEETS rocks...i mean, i knew he played guitar, but i didn't actaully conciously realize that he PLAYED GUITAR, and he does, and he sings too, and writes what he sings (except for flower puck, which was by someone else, either warren zevon or frank zappa, currently fighting with han over that, and of course, neither one of us is going to look it up...) and it was AWESOME! i swear, you never look at a person the same way after something like that... i read teh soul of nathan, and now i understand a little more... 2) ELAINE ATWELL (sp) rocks...great, angsty chick-meets-guitar-rock... she wrote her own stuff and she was by far one of the best vocalists of the night...i loved her second one, the one about things being broken...she;s still a prickly little bint, but now at least i can love her words if not her self... (i could kill summer, she treated me like a little kid... "stop burning things" and "you're going to catch my ass on fire" when i brought out the lighter i stole from john to pop open for precisely that reason... what a pain in the neck, and not the good kind either, the kind that sets your teeth on edge...i have said it before, i simply cannot tolerate rudeness, it is one of the few things i cannot overlook in people i know... and summer is one of the rudest people i know, i still don't know if i like her yet, there is obviously more study called for, though i doubt i have the energy just yet)...3) i love han, she got up there, even when they didn't give her a mic, even when elaine made the snide comment about being the only girl up there, and played the tenor she borrowed from lindsey, an instrument that is not her main one, and didn't freak out, even when the duet she was supposed to have with jason turned out to be han mouthing the words because she had no mic..*sigh* i am still proud of her, i didn't get up there, after all, and she at least had the inclination to do what i cannot...4) i gots to love me some of my other children, john and jason (same one, yes, he's multi-talented...hehehe) with their band, the royals (i think) john as guitar, jason as bass, soem kid on the drums and the singer named dillion... didn't know that's who that was, but i have to tell you, they were quite good, i love their avalon song, and now that they have a bass, they sound even better then they did on thier demo tape (or rather, cd), there's a classic rock sorta feel to them, probably because their singer has the intonation of an old school rocker, andthere is absolutly nothing wrong with that...i like classy cowboy, alright, i mean, there's no denying that they were good, but i hate to say it, cause it makes me sound stuffed-shirt, but i like to be able to understand the words in my music...not have to listen to someone scream all the time, though their drummer did amuse me, he looked as if he was about to have a seizure on stage...so anyway, went, had a phenominal time, what with hanging out with reb beforehand and hanging out with the group after (for long enough to share a smoothie with han) and still getting home in time to get a decent amount of sleep...yeah, i could do with more friday nights like that...i'm legal and i'm single, and i'm in it for the thrill (yeah..as if......)

classic fairy poetry

playing in the meadow,
long past the set of sun
i woke to hear the music
of a thousand little tounges

a wild-light glow aflickering,
i crouched behind a tree,
waiting, breath abated,
there to peep and see

behold! a toupe of fairies,
gathered to a ring
where prance they their fey magic
and their celebrations sing

burning dashing colors,
to my eyes as big as plates
i watched and watched for hours,
till dawn let loose her gates

no one will i tell
for no one will believe
that i saw the fairies dancing
on the night of beltaine's eve

(hehehe, fairies...i believe this probably came from hearing that thing willy wonka said..."up the misty mountian, down the rushy glen, we daren't go a-hunting, for fear of little men..."...been looking at some of these things i posted up here, and i think prehaps i need to do some work on some of them, the phraseing is clumsy...)

*sneeze*

cleaned out my entier closet last night, did a major de-trashing, now everything i own is in three cardboard boxes (there's a country song in that)... and now i need to get on with stuff and get off the net so that han can call reb (glorious child and giver of socksies) blargh... going to open mic tonight! lovely! going to have some fun for once...

world-song

bite the apple, Eve

chain us to this world
green-laced heaven's crystle
a lady, beautiful and demure
a mother, a muse
a cradle in cross cut ribbons of velvet blue
a tempest's mistress
in fates a dealer of cards
smooth painted maiden-fair
geisha of celestial tones

a beauty to behold
an aching to leave

call me home
lover, mother, sister's child
catch my heart and hold me fast
to your burning arms,
i shall return at last
to trail fire and dreams,
like tattered wings
in a final brief death-keening of glory
returning to my lady grace
my jungle amazon
my firstborn bearer
spawner of my dreaming being
to lie as ash upon her lips
swept like broken comets' eyes onto her shores

hockey, walls, and happiness is a bunch of lizards

ok first off, hockey may be the sport of kings, but i'm getting killed!!! which may or not be due to the fact that i am EXTREMLY clumsy... i got checked today BY MYSELF (!)...yep, that's right, full tilt, head first, right into the bloody damn-ed wall...i tripped... owwie... damn my hightops! they're too slippery (!) i should get some more, but i'm a triffle picky about what goes on my ticky-toes (hehehe, in a VERY childish mood tonight, not doubting for an instant a certain someone would have a snide comment about that, ah well, some people are just too grown-up for their own good...) a couple of the girls from gym and i were thinking about starting up a rec floor hockey league-thingy...only we can't do the serious kind, cause jason and a few people tried to do it with skates and the admin said they couldn't because of insurance problems...*grrr* stupid adults!!!...wait....i'm an adult now!!!!! *eep*....guess that means i'll have to be more mature then........................................................................... *snicker*.............................................
tomorrow, since the untimely snitching of my wallet i am now id-less, i am having to get my stuff back...(so any of you people who gave me pictures, i need more ! i love you *wide eyed innocence*) and i'm going to get my licence re-issued...yay! finally getting that "under 18" thing taken off...blast, if that kid in front of me streches back and puts his arms in my face agian, i'm going to bite his wrists... i likes biting (yeah, most of you know that :) ) i swear, someday a damsel in distress is going to have to be rescued from me...cause i'm going to snap one of these days... i'm going to go straight for the neck.... :)i mean, he's cute and everything...but ARGH *chomp*.... and i'm going to miss the first part of gym, where-in we learn to climb the wall (come on here, have these people been that sheltered?? you put on a rope, you climb up, you drop back down, you don't LOOK down..) e-gad, i loved doing the ropes course at camp (any general shelton alumni out there? woot!) heights don't bother me anymore, they used to when i was little...but now, i just get the insane urge to jump...ah well, must be my weak mental strength that makes me want to do stupid things like such...
well into another manga series now, dragon knights, thankfully tina has the wealth of them, all the way to 16 and i shan't have to wait for the next one to come out ( NOT A PATIENT PERSON HERE), i don't find them as visually alluring as i do the the saiyuki series, but this mineko ohkami person isn't bad either, i mean, their style has evolved considerably just during the first few books... so i'm going through two a night...i find i have a plethora of free time in my school day now that i no longer am frisking off to my next class like a bat outta hell... none of my teachers have written me up for tardiness yet, so i guess i've suddenly realised i can slow down a bit...what a dumb-founding idea..me, slow it down...hmmmm.....well, my life is basically not very interesting, but now i don't find everything i do quite so important...

for nome

unicorn standing there,
oh unicorn fair
take me, carry me,
as far as you can bear
show me the stars
show me the moon
show me eternity
show it to me soon
for i am weary,
so tired and dreary
and when i'm with you
i can see so clearly
kindly grant me this unicorn,
with your eyes bright as fire
for this is my wish,
my hearts' desire
and i'll feed you all my joy
on a golden spoon


(it's a poor attempt at rhyme, a poor attempt at expressing my love for my little sister, but it'll have to do, she won't care, it's got unicorns in it...)

it's a tuesday...blargh...

not a long blog today, just a few things to say(!)
1) i love hockey, i love it even more now that we're playing it in gym...a bloofd orgy with sticks! or not, since most of the people in my class are the preppy chicks who run like pansies cause they don't want to sweat (good grief) and i'm playing defense, which i discover i love... so yay! waht's a few bruises for the love of a game?!?!?
2) i went to biltmore estate with nome and the rest of the french club yesterday, it was veeeerrry nice and beautiful (gargoyles and angels and saints...oh my!), they're renovated another of the floors since the last time we were there, so that was a pleasant surprise...oh, and i snagged myself a freshman for use as a pillow on the ride home, poor kid, probably scared the hell out of it, but hey, i'm not sleeping on a hard window when there's a perfectly good person sitting beside me with nothing to do...missed a big backseat warfare-fest though, shame on me..blasted tina and giving me a new manga!!! (hehehe, not really, violence is not my thing...hahaha...and neither is lying!)
3) found a rather interesting quote in my files, look at this:

" See the happy moron,
he doesn't give a damn,
i wish i was a moron
my God! prehaps i am!"

It's by someone/thing called Eugene Resolves....i thought it quite funny and apropriate...

not really all that funny, you think?

~brwydrwr~
seventeen years, he learned guitar
and ran away cause it was all he had
lived his life on the city streets
never needed much by way of love
isn't it kinda funny how the ones we need the least,
are the ones we want the most?
~breuddwydiwr~
she found her life on the ballet stage
with only the belief of a teacher and a friend
she's got her eyes on the New York lights
growing ever further away from home
isn't it kinda funny how the ones we want the most,
are the ones who need us least?
~chwedl areithiwr~
born a smiling child at seven months
a wiser child you have yet to meet
would find it so easy just to drift away
yet knows me better then i know myself
isn't it kinda funny how the ones we want the least,
are the ones we need the most?
~we are born,
let loose on the world
we will die,
let loose on the heavens
we don't choose our partners
in the dance
but we will all live anyway~

oh yes !!!

oh masses of great unwashed-ness, sing raptures of joy, for the katie-ness has contacted me, and my life is good... and i loves her and she loves me, and the child within me smiles and stops squalling for a moment....

more on existentialism...

i just realised Rush, with all their infinate pretty lyrics...have quoted one of the basic fundamentals of existentialism in one of their songs... "...if you choose not to decide/you still have made a choice/i will choose a path that's clear/i will choose free-will..."(freewill)...one of the basic ideals of existentialism is "... it is not possible not to choose- if I do not choose, I am still chooseing..." e-gad! i was right, everything Rush does CAN be related to real life!!! hehehe...that was bit of fanatical leanings being revealed, it shan't emerge agian, for the comfort of my friends... *tee-hee*
the rain has gone away, for a day now, even though it was supposed to be here yesterday as well as friday night...i do love the rain at night, even if it screws with my view *pout?*... i sleep the best when it rains...in fact, that's the only time i do sleep for good and for real (it's sorta like that song... "..she only sleeps when it's raining, and she screams, and her voice..." ok, well not so much, i don't dream on those nights, and i will always feel a great sense of peace and thankfulness for that) ...i envy those people who aren't rain people, they don't need the water on their skin...they live out their calm, clean, crisp-cut paper doll's lives and never know what it feels like to have to come up for air... them with their tawny bodies and heated eyes, whose rythms worship the circuits of the sun...light -fierce and burning- dogs their step... but rain people don't have to wait until the sky clears to come out to play, they don't need a dome of seasons to feel the stars, we are tatterdamelions in flight, optical sea-scapes that blink on the in and out, green fingered lordlings quelled by lady night...we bask on fire-kissed petals and drip out our lives, shamed by the queenly sun...

babe?

anyhow, i love this movie...ohmygod...i just relised the cow is buddist!!! ("...in order to find happiness, you must relise that the way things are, is the way things are...)... what a lovely relization, especially as i just watched it first off for the way their mouths moved, it looks so awesomely real! (well, it did especially when i was littler and i first saw it...)..anyhow..i'm addicted to something (and someone!!!) new!!! saiyuki...the best story/art manga ever! it's got a plot, which is lovely, but not too often truw, and to top it all off, it's absolutly gorgeous! kazuya minekura is the woman!!! or rather, the plump danceing pinkie-thingy that is her self portrait...and anthony, in trade for the samuraidisks, has lent me somehting called Noir...a french titled anime about chicks kicking butt!!! hahaha, now we're to the mice singing "blue moon" i do love that song too...and this is ludacris... speaking of which, or rather of the absurd, i was reading my english homework (we're into existentialism now...if any of you remember cara's validictorian address from last year, that was it, the whole thing was allllllllll about existentialism... and i thought it was the funniest blessed thing i'd ever heard in my life...basically, existentialism in words is every druggie in sci-fi's speech, that's it, that wiggy, that brain twisting) about sisyphus..i never got why he didn't stop rolling the blasted stone, i mean seriously, he went AWOL and lived on teh surface Earth for years after he was supposed to before they caught on in Hades and dragged him back...if they missed out on that big of goof-up, what makes you think they're going to notice Sisyphus taking a break for tea every now and agian.... finally got mum talking about her family tonight...in my family, we do that whole talking until dawn thing, especially when gran and peep come over... and anyhow, found a whole grandness of information about mum's grandmere... she was a freedom fighter in WWII and everything! anyway, going to talk to her a bit more when dad's not around, for some reason he doesn't think it's any of my buisness...i mean for the sake of all that is good and saintly I LIVE IN THIS FAMILY TOO... (feeble protest)... oh god, the sheep are laughing agian...

glorius charity
standing there in front of me
sweep your wings out low
lead my stangled steps, purer grace
show me the way
destiny,
the sum of our yesterdays
torn are we...
by the choices we cannot see

don't stop,
don't look back to see
these mortal tollbooths,
have taken you from me
so many stations,
and the fare is so high
all my loved ones,
i have used for coin
i take nothing with me
the time is almost nigh

you brought me up
with questions in my eyes
and i don't kneel down at night
just to tell somebody lies
sweet
sweet life,
a spirit guide you are...
will always be

scarey movie trends

wheyhey! star wars forever! it's actaully sort of creepy to relise that i can pop the movie in, turn up the volume to full and wander upstairs, just listen and still know what's happening...i do love those movies, even if i'm a trekkie as well (some people say it can't be so...but i like to think of it as taking a step towards peace between our peoples that i love them both, trek and star wars:) ) so far, so good, we've got a sky and some hilly looking things, i've had to stop for a little while cause the paint i'm useing mixes too easily when it's wet...damn and blast, i have something set in my mind, only to find out that it won't work, yet when i end up putting the bastardized version of my plan out there, it turns out looking like something i would have done...probably because i did... but that's not the point...*growl* drat..look at that line, full of terribly confusing, all too often mistaken, shaken-not-stirred wordings...i really must get a grip on my english here...this weekend is going to be a pain in the arse, working friday night, sat. morning and sunday morning too, even though i specifically asked for sundays off...i do need at least one day a week where i don't have to be somewhere at the crack of dawn...anyway, the black-eyed peas are coming to town tomorrow night, and as hardee's s right beside the convocation center, we're going to get a monster of an order load...so they asked me if i could come in for a few hours, i said yes, after all, it's not like i'm doing anything, definatly NOT going to see the black-eyed peas...not too fond of them, though i do like one of their songs ("what's wrong with the world today moma, people acting like they ain't got no momas...")...it's not going to be too bad, i mean, anthony is manager tomorrow night, and that means that the whole night shift is going to be crazy fun...i mean seriously, i love working nights, it's awesome and INSANE...plus, hey, a few more hours on my paycheck is not going to bother me at all...so if anyone i love and adore wants to hang this weekend...FORGET IT...there's no way in hades.... :)

a day of the memory of war

we're out of school today, totally took me by surprise, normally i keep up with off days fanatically, but really didn't notice this one coming at me at all...a rather nice surpirse though, i must admit... so i'm going to spend the day painting and practicing...then maybe some more practicing, followed by a nice quite round of practicing.... *growl* have i mentioned playing sax in this house, with the musical prodigy that is han, is a quite the expirence in tourture, what with her howling in agony (yes, i know i'm horrible, but she needn't scream like that)... luckily, she's away to lenoir rhien (sp?) or some such place today with jason and casey...jason is another of the ones collected by the us :) , nice boy really, awesome musician, fanantically political...casey is a very good friend of j's though i don't know him well...anyway, i do hope they have fun...i'm going to hang out around the house in my warm woolen socksies (thank you sooo much reb!!!) and probably get paint all over them... *scowl* so maybe other socksies, do you think? speaking of socks (and we were, trust me) i think that lilly-child, with her poetry on monday quite stole the show...i don't know what it is about teenagers when they get togather and write in rhyme, but were awfully depressing...even mine, a rumination on love (which was written about three months ago, so get no ideas) was a bit harsh and dark..but lilly's was hysterically funny, hers being about the "sea of randomness", "cool shoes", and "cool socks"...i think tina should have come and thrown a bit of her musings out into the wilderness too, she's not a bad poet (when i say not bad, i mean awesome) i thank han and mum for coming out to support me, though han says it's only because i went to so many of her jazz performences (the ones where i held up big signs) they say i did ok, but i think i could have done better *shrugs*
talked to finnegan aboot joining up agian day before yesterday, he is of the mind that i should go through the rotc in college, which sounds good to me, but i told him i'd rather get all of my scholarship stuff done beforehand, i'd rather not tell finnegan this, as he is a bit rabid, but the army for me is something i'd like to do, but also something that fits my path, know what i mean? it's sorta like a means to an end, with the nice side effect of getting to serve the motherland... which is something i would like to have said that i've done...then i can piss and moan about the way the country is run without being caught with my pants down...mum is heavy aginst it though, she got ahold of finnegan when han and i went to take the asvab...poor guy, we were cringing in the recruitment office, gesturing frantically, it was rather like watching a mouse walking towards a tiger unaware...i did talk to one of my teachers, a vietnam vet, to balance out finnegan's greenness (sorry man, but you are) and he was in accord with what i'd found out so far, so that's always a good sign...*sigh* a month ago, i had no idea what i was going to do about my future, now, i would appear there is at least one path i can follow that has it all planned out for me up to three years after college...
someone called here with an unlisted number at like midnight last night...(yes i was awake, it's a nonschool night, i sleep like a teenager, and that's not a myth thank-you very much, we're studying it in psych)...and no, i didn't answer the phone, who the hades would be calling us that late?...decent people are asleep at that time of night...though i wasn't...hmmmm...ah well, if it was important, they'll likely call us back...don't know why i put that in here, but i did, so there...i just noticed that you have to set the time on your blog when it's posted...how odd, ah well, too much trouble, i'll just keep you people annoyed, no one really looks at the times anyway...

three days already?!?

yeah, sorry about the lack of posts...
hey, why am i apologising??? this is MY blog, i don't have to explain myself or apologise to you lesser mortals *sniff* ha... yeah, i apologise WAY too much... my lab partner (stuart/reuben, depends on which one he likes better that day..and he's crazy) thinks it's hysterical to have me bump into his arm accidently during class and absently mutter a "sorry", he keeps telling me i don't have to, but it's ingrained i guess... stu's a triffle odd himself...
i think i might take the telescope out tonight..it's really cold and there are no clouds to speak of yet (as i type this an unholy storm is about to rise, knowing my luck), so it will be a wonderful time to have a bit of a gaze... i do love to have a look at the stars every now and agian... i've stopped looking up at night when i'm outside and i have somewhere to be... i'm stuck, i can't move, i fall up into all of that...that...that gloriousness... i have mentioned that this is what i want, yes? oh gods, when i look up into all of that, i want to be there so bad that it burns...i want to be out in that velvet darkness, knowing death is beyond the walls of my tin can (thanks for that major tom) knowing that i might once be out in the untouched lands that inhabit the great unknown...i dream that we are not alone. that all of us is all in them... or if we are alone, simply to be lost ones in the void, i dream of it as a glorious aloneness...that astronauts and philosophers will weep as they kneel on the virgin soil of those celestial bodies that orbit the stars we barely acknowledge... that they will throw open their arms and hearts to some shining sky and call down anyone, anything to come to them, to us, so that we need not be the only, the last, the first; forsaken or forgotten or never known...this is my wish, my ache, my dream and my passionate cry in the darkest hours of the night when i know that no one hears me or cares, that humanity will rise beyond me, beyond this... it will meld into one; that which pulls at the heart of this one, will pull at the hearts of many, and we shall seek... we will destroy all there is of us, we will perish in the search, burnt out like the dead stars we've sheilded ourselves from the yearning for in this microchiped age...
ha, look at that...prehaps i was born far too early...but then idon't plan on dying, so it might happen for me yet, hermmm?

trespass

expound, oh wisdom,
on the trespasses of the sea
the watery earth courses,
and the pull i feel in me
calling the flow of mind out
chaseing the causeways in my hands
a river of ever-white,
will it never end?

will they remember me,
these dead that i see,
the ghosts that are forever,
gazing star-eyed from the sea?
once beating hearts stilled,
sad eyes to reminisce
they know of my futility...

i dream of struggle
when once i fought for air
i was torn from the clouds,
riped asunder from joy
when the dream-fever eased
i found no realness,
in the reality they assured me was my own
i struggled again,
and this time, i failed
i returned once more to sameness
and fitted my mask down tight
never more to question
the voices that i heard

echoes from the past,
longing to return
sonar of yesterday,
this day's hope to burn
rebound those lost
take revenge on those who've won


(it might be noted that my little sister finds my poetry terribly depressing...not really seeing it...)

the final word on what's up with love

i have done it.
i have done prehaps one of the bravest things that i have ever done in my short, uneventful life...i talked to my ex last night...and we're good now...i think...it's going to be a bit weird at first, but it's like luke said, it'll only be weird if we let it...and i'm not going to...if he ends up dating the girl he...the one who... damn it, if he ends up dating her...i give my blessing for it, not that either one of them cares. he needs someone there for him... i would worry about him alone, though why, i don't know, as he was alone before me, and so was i...alone is comfortable, but it's hard after not being so...well, not hard, just strange :) ...i worry about my adopted ones...i have a habit of collecting people, and i want them to be happy...
monday i was happy until the night, then i was numb, in shock, scared of hurting... tuesday and wednesday, i hurt so badly i thought i would die, i couldn't understand why i didn't fall on the floor and bleed to death through the hole where my heart used to be... thursday, i was disillusuioned with my own pain, i was stating to resent those people who wanted me to "talk about it", i was begining to see that this wasn't a tragedy, it was life... friday, i was still thinking of it as my fault, in some way yet unknown, i was begining to heal, but i was obsessing about it...yesterday? yesterday, i had time to think without school in the way, i had time to think about how a friend is something you never want to lose, even if all you do for them is listen to their problems and nod, and despite everything, i relised that if i let this become a rock to preach from, then it would undo all of my princepals, it go aginst every non-interfering rule that i have set for myself... i did my brief time as a high schooler, i served my sentence to mortal emotions...and i'm done now...i'm free...
i still hurt...but not now because of something someone else did, but because i let myself get involved like it was something that could last, not something horomone ridden like everything is in high school...no one understands how much of an anonomly this was for me, see people up here have only known me for a year and a half, they don't understand that when i like someone, i lie down until it passes, i sure as hell don't tell them about it or act on my feelings...
so i'm going back to my bench now, throwing in the towel, taking off my pads and putting away my jersey for good...everyone's going to tell me that i'm letting one relationship dictate my entire life, but they don't understand, for me, this was an expirement... i've dated before, in smaller doses, and it didn't work out then either... i'm not saying i'm not up for a bit of making out (yeah, what can i say, it can be nice), seriously, i'm still human, but a relationship...e-gad, absolutly not...

sat night's alright for fighting....

elton john...strange little man, though he is awesome and one of the fundamentals of my musical youth, oh yes...and he's sparkly!!! mum and nome are working int he kitchen , making cake for tomorrow, han and i recieved a cookout from our mother (goddess though she is, she does have children) for our big 18 birthday... also happens to be on the birthday of one of our good friends and adopted child, sarah p., who might not be able to come because of birthday-ing herself... my grandparents have given me a prayer box, and though i think it is very astonishingly pretty i find myself at a loss of what to put in it...
at any rate, my day got off to a bang...i i swear i heard my alarm go off, so i get up, concerned only with the fact that it is 21 after the hour and that i have overslept and will be late to work...so i dress at lightspeed and sprint to the car, screehing into hardees on the dot of when i think i'm supposed to be in...problem? hardee's is dark, nothing stirs...hermm, thinks i, maybe something has happened and we are closed...i look at my clock, still very puzzled...and realise, stupid retard that i am, it is 4 o'clock in the morning, a full two hours before i'm supposed to be on shift... so i cruise around boone, looking for a place to hang out until 6 (if you grew up where i did -area around greensboro-, you do NOT sleep in your car if you are alone, especially not in the city limits and not in the dark) yeah, nothing is open at 4 in the morning in boone, and when i say nothing, i mean everything shuts down at ten at night... i go to the grocery stores, 24hours, 7 days a week grocery stores abide in boone, oh joy, joy... every single one i go to is closed for floor maintenence..how weird is that...so i do end up sleeping in my car, in the hardee's parking lot, covered in every scrap of clothing we have (han is a packrat in the car) to keep from freezing to death...cause it's like, 34 degrees in boone last night...i find this the most hysterical thing to happen to me this week, which, considering it to be the week from hell ( got sick, got dumped, failed yet another ap bio test-i mean really, i fail when i study, what's up with that???- etc...), is pretty damn awesome...
this whole thing is getting ridiculus...i want this to be over... i want to be friends... forget i ever dated anyone (we have a lot of the same friends, so this is going to be akward in most social situations), forget i was ever anything but a loner, ever anything but everyone else's relationship advisor...see, that's the problem with me, this is my first major breakup, ever, and i'm thinking i'm being ridiculus and whiney, nothing is ever enough to me...i never think anything is pushing too far, i thinki over react and blow things out of porportion, when everyone around me is going, "holy cow!", i don't think i've ever been in a situation where i've gone, well, this is quite enough, i have a right to get angry/hate someone/beat someone up...i think i'm taking things to the extremes and being silly and stupid, and i desist, even when i have every right to do so, or in fact to be the angel of death or whatever, and i'm not talking about this whole break-up, i'm talking about everything...nothing is ever enough for me to get truely passionate about...emotional, yes, but passionate? wrathful? vengeful? no, nothing is ever enough...i need to invest in somehting destructive sometime, see what it's all about... maybe i'm just lazy...
at any rate, if my nice friendly person (who i don't know who is) who is sending me e-cards is reading this, thank-you, how did you know that was what i needed? i get the feeling i should recognise the address, but i don't (stoopid git that i am.. *blushes*)
ok, random talkings, stupid anecdote, ranting, thanks given...yeah, i think i covered everything :)

just another day in paradise

so this is what it's like
after living in Wonderland
one small, dirty Alice
world-wise, playing up her pain
coming down hard from a
dream-laced trip
this is what it's like...
in my own Vietnam

looking up from empty
looking down from pain
driving through and running strange
finding myself silly
for giving out the blame

i can't understand...
it just feels so wrong
walking around from
the crucible born, and looking
looking just the same
purity and surity
nothing else is left
hollow inside
but clean to be reborn
to stand up on my own

looking up from empty
looking down from strange
driving lost and running burned
finding myself silly
for taking all the blame

blast, the thing skipped out on me

anyway, about the cat wall...i was painting in the bathroom, and dad walks in a goes...that's a cat! too bad it's an OTTER!!!! yeah...there's an otter in our bathroom, with a pearl between it's paws... or what i say is a pearl... cause i painted it and that's what i say, so there!....
so...been on a three day Rush binge, people up here have gotten that when i wander around plugged into earphones, i'm in an antisocial mood... i mean, i listen to Rush all the time, but not usually to the exclusion of all else...basically healing a broken heart here...it hurts like the dickens actually, it hurts like my non-existant soul has been ripped from my body...but oh well, i'll heal... at least now i can sleep...wasn't able to monday...or tuesday...but that is neither here nor there, you, my silent audience, do not know the man-child, and even if you did, it would be none of your buisness...i mean, i wish people would stop telling me to "let it all out, talking will help" no the hell it won't! i hate that, i don't need therapy, i need solitude...though it is kind of them to care...ah well, the boy is a wonderful child, and i loved him lots, and i probably do still somewhere inside, i don't regret us going out...it was awesome!...i do wish i could be past this break-up stuff though...
hermmmm... blargh >P emotions SUCK!...going to be getting rid of those blighters pretty quick when i figure out where they are...hehehe....
going to be sticking quite a bit of peotry on this thing...why not?? if someone rips me off on it (though i doubt it, it's not that good) i'll just rip them a new one...people might laugh..but hey... my art is my child...and i'm a moma bear...*gggrrroowwll!!!*

the cat wall

and agian, in pain, i write what is easiest

it would appear that i was happily oblivious
oh, so easily lead astray
i was hopeless, to be sure
but i had my feet set in stone
my head in the clouds,
my blood on my hands

torn asunder from all night
bathed in light,
the sun my god
i watched with ever-waking eyes
for another clearing sky

the rains they came and washed my soul
my face was wet, but not through tears
my eyes unopened, full of stone
to look upon my inner pain

torn asunder from all night
bathed in light,
the sun my god
i watched with ever waking-eyes
for another clearing sky

call me out and tear me down
drwan in close to fill the sound
of happiness thats broken
i fell into the long awaited
clearing sky