*sniffle*

this song always makes me cry, the first time i heard it, i just opened my arms and sobbed...

Bravado

If we burn our wings
flying too close to the sun
if the moment of glory
is over before it's begun
if the dream is won
though everything is lost
we will pay the price
though we will not count the cost

When the dust has cleared,
and victory denied
a summit too lofty
river a little too wide
if we keep our pride
though paradise is lost
we will pay the price
but we will not count the cost

And if the music stops
there's only the sound of the rain
all the hope and glory
all the sacrifice in vain
if love remains
though everything is lost
we will pay the price
but we will not count the cost...

*sigh* this is what Rush gets for letting their drummer write their lyrics... sobbing teenagers... i must say that it is not only my beloved muses who do this to me... Iris by the Goo-Goo Dolls does too, because all i can see if this fallen angel losing his reason for gaining mortality, the dancing in the street bit also does me in... herm... and that new one by Green Day too, Blvd. of Broken Dreams... i do love that song, i liked the music video Tina did for it as well, it fit so nicely... that one by sarah mcloughlan, Angel... that one is playing during the crash that kills the girl's mum at the begining if fly away home...
well, my beloved Anthony delivered, becasue he, like Josh{ie} believes a little addiction for thier friends every now and agian to be a good thing, and now i have lots of Kenshin to watch... (oy! i did love the manga...)
i know know four words in japanese: yes, thank-you, water, and space... i must say, good words for me in particular to know :)
i put in an application at one of the outlet stores in blowing rock, hopefully they'll hire me, so i can then go work in an underwear store instead of a fast food resteraunt... i might have to deal with the same assholes, but at least i won't smell like a value meal while i'm at it :) still, i'll miss my hardee's babies... but lets not get hopeful, i'm probably not the type they want working with panties... ("boy, you got a panty on your head..." Raising Arizona is a must see, think nicolas cage with lots of hair and workign as a store robber, married to holly hunter, whose the cop who stole his heart when she said "turn to the right")
i think i've reached an impass in my life... i don't really like ANYONE... i mean, from the time i noticed other people and saw them as potential affiliates, i've been crushing on SOMEONE... but now? there are several people i'd go out with, but i don't really like any one person... maybe it's a sign that i'm evolving? herm... maybe i'm just bored... herm, no, cause i'm wired to the gills... maybe i'm on something illegal that i haven't figured out yet... herm...
enough of my sappyness, i must go play the saxaphone some more, i want more days like this friday, i swear to heaven, i must have been touched by divine intervention... i didn't miss a beat, or stop once because i was lost, i was loud, i was sassy, and i nailed it! *dances* i didn't solo though... so i'll have to work on that, but i did get everything else, so that shall come... watch out Kile (the other first alto) i'm gonna beat these charts senseless...

*sob threefold*

i love trigun, i cried over this last episode... it has that oh so pretty song about waltzes and pebbles falling from the sky (i don't think the subtitles were so good) that is sang by a beautiful high voiced oriental lady.. and i am starting to like this one very much, it is an "old style" anime, which means more movement and really wicked theme songs :) none of this horrid new age techno-uninspiring-for-killing music... hahha i have listened and like'd techno before... but not when i want blood, no, one needs harsh power chords underneath hard rhythm sticking with soaring vocals in expressive languages (in formal english or another language)... damn, one can't kill with some pansy tinkling sketchy record skrit-scrach...

*owie*

so last night was my first capawaera (sp) class... and now, i'm not so much sore af very stiff and bits of me occasionally refuse to do what i tell them to do... anyway, it was fun, i liked it a lot, now all that remains is to convince my parents that it is worth me staying out on thursdays until 9 pm... (it's held on tues and thurs) cat was an awesome help, she told me when i was screwing up so badly as to make the sets unrecognizable, and helping me out on the jinga (jenga? janga? forget spelling...) anyhow, this is at school, so off i go!

i cannot understand

I reached a realization this afternoon, looking through old pictures of the past school year. I found a picture of him and I when we were still together, and it stabbed my mind, it jarred me, so unprepared for its appearance was i. I can neither explain, nor understand what I still feel. I know that it is unlikely that he will ever see me as anything but weak, pathetic, and “too emotional,” but the unreasonable bit of myself that whispers at me, hisses at the corners of my being when I am at my most venerable, tells me, for once, the truth of this anxiety. I still love him. I will never consider ever getting back with him, for that desire is now in the past, if it ever was. I know that it is a sign that I am “hung up on him” to the rest of the immature high school world which I try to escape so often,; but I know the truth. I was not made to love lightly; it is not in my makeup to be careless with what real emotions I actually have. I do not know how to love and pass on, to skip from one relationship to another like a stone on a pond. I tried to throw it off as some young fling, something passing, something good while it lasted, but I cannot, and in my darkest moments, I still am pained by what happened to me. And as I look back, I still can see no way in which I could have won out over the frailty of youthful hearts. It was not in the cards that our relationship should last. And I fell to the calculations of someone who wanted what I had bound my wandering heart to. A friend of mine, who is also a friend of hers, told me that she had wanted him, and that she was determined to have him, and I had no idea that I should have guarded myself against the agony of defeat, the sinister shock of being a victim in a contest I didn’t even know I was to fight in. I have stopped talking about it to other people, except in vague reference, but the truth is that I still hurt. I think I will love this child until I die. And a child he was, for if I was anything to him, it was not his lover, but a mother. I told him, in one of the first alone face to face conversations that ever had, that he would outgrow me, and he laughed. But that is what happened, as every child outgrows the person who watched over them, so he outgrew me. And I also made the mistake of unconsciously looking upon him as someone to heal, I wanted so badly to save him, and I was not prepared for the ugly truth, that I can save no one, not even myself from having my heart broken and I should never have considered him sheltered beneath my wings, because it does not make for a healthy relationship if one partner watches and the other partner chafes against the bonds of a clueless would-be hero. I think of all the things that could have done to make it right, all the ways I could have salvaged some happiness out of our time together, but even from here, where I have the benefit of time, I can see no way that I could have ever ended up happy, especially as I now realize that it was a very cruel relationship indeed, I do not believe that I have ever cried so much in my entire life as I did when I was with him. And I feel a slight regret for all the things we never did, I never saw him wake up, never held him in my arms underneath my chosen world, that of the night and stars. I can only feel a pang every time I see him, the remembered feeling of what was, and what I must now never allow myself to show or feel again. We speak, never of anything but passing triviality, but we do not fight, it is as if there is something between us now, a pact, never to upset the other, or to admit it if we do. He does not feel me worth his time now, he is happy with his new love, and has no time for someone who cannot move on. I wish I could not feel, for this hurts at times more then I can bear, I have been fooling myself if I thought that I could simply pass this by untouched. I know that my heart will quicken again some day, and I know that they will tell me that I will forget this, this reminder that I too am so undeniably human, and weakened by my uncontrolled emotions. But I can learn to show nothing, even if inside I scream every time I see her, even though it was he who feel out of love with me and the fact that she and he committed a betrayal of trust… means nothing, she is only a corporal reminder of that which in myself I so despise, the fact that I let myself get so close to someone that they could hurt me, something I have tried all my life not to do. And I did it, I let myself fall in love and it tore me apart. I have never before wished with such passion that I had not been born old, I wish that I could have been a child for all of my youth like everyone else, so that I could have not the benefit of looking back so vividly and hurting so terribly. And it does not get easier with time, for to me, all times are now, I do not remember things linearly; if it happened last week, last year, last lifetime, I will still see it as today. And if today is the way things are now, then today must have been the way things have always been, I know that what I feel must be what all other people feel, for it is impossible that I am the only person to take things so seriously, yet not care about anyone for most of the time. I see my mind from a distance, as if I am not myself, but a separate entity who assesses this puny mortal from a great height. This part of me feels a calm that has never wavered, only rippled on the surface from the buffeting of life. And yet… and yet… this that I feel, that I write, is now so very alien to me, as if it is not me who wrote it, but rather me who acted it out, as if I were playing a part so immensely complicated that I came to believe it myself. I feel as if I bought into a fairy tale, one of the less entertaining ones, and I can take it off of the shelf and force myself to reread it occasionally, and then put it back on the shelf until I need to speak from it again.
I read these words and find that the person who wrote them is foolish, that the person who penned such dire and heart broken, half healed phrases is an idiot to let the occurrences of their sordid little mortal life interfere so much with what their heart and soul should be.

*sniffle*

i miss my KT...

for Jon

okies, i did it, i borrowed something called Fruits Basket from Tina, the awesome chick, and it ROCKS IT'S SO GOOD... am i addicted??? oh yes... bastard, now i actaully have to buy the damned manga... grrr..
josh[ie] has lent me somehting called Trigun, which has the most kick ass music EVER (well, except for CB) and the rest fo teh FLCL series, which has never been so wicked :)
i've now seen the second inuyasha movie, and i love it, and the series, adn i am so close to getting hardcore addicted instead of just passsionatly fond of...

wheyhey... so, TINA SHOOK IS WICKED FRICKIN' AWESOME!!!... she definatly rocks my world, she met me after my 0B class with a nice little valentine's day pressie...and i was so high and hyper and "oh my gosh" for the rest of the day...
anyway...
this requires history, this summer i worked for the park service, doing the YCC program, and they were all, every one of the guys i worked with, like DON'T SPEED ON THE PARKWAY, THEY WILL NAIL YOUR ASS TO A TREE LIKE A CHOPSTICK THROUGH JELLO.. too bad today, i did, i was going 58 in a 45 and a cop went right past me... and turned around, and yanked me over...so sad...i got off with a warning, because , I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING and i actaully ended up laughing it off, cause he knew the station i worked for and my boss and everything... wow... *sigh* i am so going to catch flak if dana or jonathon or charlie find out...
anyhow threefold, erm, rather, twice... going to try to do something called capawara (sp, majorly) with catlin... it's like brazilian martial arts set to msic or something like that... tony explained it to me a little better, it's set to music so that the cops wouldn't know that it was fighting skills, and that most of the sets are done with wrists togather and hands spread so that you can do it in handcuffs...i was so like "hahha! hippie fighting!"

oops...

It is possible that I might have given my mother a heart seizure… nome and I were ridding home, from work, which sucked (one of the cooks didn’t come in, I had to clean the grill…it smells really really rotten hard core horrid) and we get stuck behind this huge enormous high roofed van looking thing, double doors and everything, looked like a double-decker plumber’s truck or something, anyway, it’s creeping along at about twenty miles an hour, blindingly slow, so when we get to parkway, before we turn off to go our road, which it was the same way as the van thing was going, I take my opportunity and dart down the other side of the sign island, zipping back into my lane miles ahead of both the van and the car in the other lane (it was eons away, I mean it, I would never put Naomi in danger) and there, cresting the hill, is my mother in her jeep, with a bird’s eye view of the entire thing… needless to say, I am seized with astonishment and start to giggle, mum is shaking her finger at me from the other lane, and nome and I arrive home with nary a scratch.. the same may not be true in an hour or two when mom gets home, however…

bloging...

i never can figure out what to put as titles for this thing...
i got my computer back, along with lots of yummy anime :) erk..taht was a horrid phrase..what the hell? how can it be"yummy"? anyway
so i'm helping out with something called the empty bowls at school, partially because i want to cause a few of my friends and one really cute potter (that's on a wheel, not a broom :) ) kid who does *swoon* english square dancing or something like that... what is it with dancers? anyway... and also because whitaker has been really wicked awesome about letting me putter about the crafts room working on one obsession or another when i'm not actaully in the class, so even though i can't actaully be there, because of work, i can at least help set it up...
i talked to paige for like, an hour this afternoon... she's really awesome, she's a lot like us, us kids, i mean, she's really sweet and old, like us, and i mean that in the way of the soul... i was born old, a geezer amoung children, i just sometimes lose that when i get all horomone-y erk... and paige has some of that, she's really a great kid, i should talk to her a lot more often :) and not just about the stuff sally, paige and cat and i talk about during lunch *giggles like a little girl*
oh, and this thing is finally set p so pople can post anoymously... so knock yourselves out and quit whineing you patsys....

last night

mom and dad (we gave them carnations for valentine's day, don't ask, i mean, nome and me walked in thestore, expecting to get a delivery, adn walked out with a bouquet... i dunno know exactly what happened, but obviously we now have a dozen carnations aranged tastefully with baby's breath and fern-like plants sitting on our kitchen table, a full week before the actual holiday... hopefully they'll hang around for awhile :) ) went to a mardi gras party last night... and han was at work, so nome and i bonded... i made pancakes (well, technically, the recipe was for something called "griddle cakes" but they tasted like pancakes, so we're going to let that one go...) and scrambled eggs and toast and nome put some bacon in the microwave and we had a good time watching the ends of Joe vs. the Volcano (wonderful) and Hellboy (er... not as good, but not too bad) until nome had to go to bed cause she's working today... i think we had a good time, nome is odd as hell... i mean, usually, she ducks under the radar, sorta puts it on underdog, but last night, she just breaks out in the middle of a police song (cooking requires mood music) and begins to take it apart, clinical style, she was pointing out parts of the song (an englishman in new york) and comparing them to parts of new york, like the drum solo thingy in the middle, she was like "yeah, that's Harlem" and when the sax came in "that's the jazz clubs" and then in the middle with all the cultured sorta keyboard stuff (i think it was a keyboard) "that's madison square garden" where the hell did this all come from??? smart little foxy child, i'd say... maybe i should cook for it more often?

*edited* computer blues

*i would like to take this time to mention that i am being censored... any of you who read the original blog will know why... i am a triffled confused and possibly peeved over the whole affair, but the censor-er (read: killer of enlightened electronic conversation forums) is someone who is dear to someone and i really am doing this to ease some paranoia... someone out there should be loving me right now... I AM LESS THEN HAPPY*

my sister's BIF, the apparent computer genius, has taken my laptop to his lair and is looking at it for me, as it is not playing things right.... the following conversation then took place...
~~~~~~~: congrats
silberfeuer3: wha...?
~~~~~~~: you have viruses all over your computer
silberfeuer3: ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
silberfeuer3: don't tell me that!!
silberfeuer3: tell me it's sick and i need to take good care of it and give it soup
~~~~~~~: well if you want I can take the time to even tell you which ones it has found already
~~~~~~~: at least it is only at 4 virii so far
silberfeuer3: oh..CURE IT!!!!
~~~~~~~: when you told me that you had been going online, I was scared from the get go
~~~~~~~: you have an out-of-date anti virus and no firewall
~~~~~~~: that is a bad combination
silberfeuer3: help my baby....
***
~~~~~~~: well I am taking Norton off of your computer
silberfeuer3: oh good, that damn thing has been plagueing me about renewing it forever
~~~~~~~: I don't know if I can fix it or not. I am not sure what is even wrong with it yet
***
~~~~~~~: holy crap
silberfeuer3: erm...?
~~~~~~~: that virus screwed your computer up
silberfeuer3: noooo!!
silberfeuer3: how badly
silberfeuer3: ?????
~~~~~~~: there are a few files that I am going to have to find so that I can fix your computer again
~~~~~~~: *sighs*
~~~~~~~: you lost files like
~~~~~~~: Windows Media Player
~~~~~~~: since it was infected
~~~~~~~: in case you were wondering, there is a moral to this story
silberfeuer3: WHAT!!!!
~~~~~~~: which I want you to grasp
silberfeuer3: i didn't lose it!
~~~~~~~: ready?
silberfeuer3: it was right there!!!!
~~~~~~~: oh yeah
~~~~~~~: it is gone
~~~~~~~: let me type the message for you
silberfeuer3: don't let my whore of a computer interact with naughty computers without protection?
~~~~~~~: *pats sar affectionately*
silberfeuer3: is it going to be okay??
silberfeuer3: please, just pet my head and tell me it's going to be ok
~~~~~~~: C:\WINNT\System32\wmplayer.exe Found the W32/Sdbot.worm.gen.i virus!!!C:\WINNT\System32\wmplayer.exe has been deleted.
~~~~~~~: means I have to go online so I can find the file for you again
~~~~~~~: LOL
~~~~~~~: I am sure it will be just fine
~~~~~~~: yeah
~~~~~~~: pretty much on the lesson
~~~~~~~: if you are ever intending to bring that computer onto the internet, you need to protect the thing
silberfeuer3: my..
silberfeuer3: poor..
silberfeuer3: baby......
~~~~~~~: well consider it a learning experience
silberfeuer3: *sob*
silberfeuer3: what have i done!
~~~~~~~: you know... if you brought this to me when I was at best buy, I would have had to charge you over 80.00 to fix it
silberfeuer3: i rant about animal abuse..yet i am guilty of that horrid thing..
silberfeuer3: COMPUTER ABUSE
silberfeuer3: *wails*
~~~~~~~: ok
~~~~~~~: so
~~~~~~~: what am I fixing again?
~~~~~~~: I just need to get your computer to be a dear and play movies for long periods of time?
silberfeuer3: erm?
silberfeuer3: hey..i know diddly about computers
***
no frickin' joke i know diddly..... i am disgusted with myself...i should really know better... but the little slut has only been on the net twice! damn, i'm oblivious...

*there... ARE YOU HAPPY?!?!?!? SO THERE I DID IT... I RESTRICTED MYSELF TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE HAPPY... FRICKIN' PIN HEADED MONKEYS, THE LOT OF YOU... that's an endearment... i'm a monkey too... i even occasionally sport a tail... *

last straw

okies, there's rabies in the area, not a good thing, yes? well, duh... but still, it was either due to a lack of Cogin's test on an incoming animal, or a maurading raccon with a hydrophobic-complex... either way, it's irreversable, it's bad news, and the only thing that comes outta it is an animal's head in a box sent to north carolina state universitie's laboratories... please, this is so easy to prevent, don't get slack people, these last few years have seen an upsurge in the number of animals diagnosed with rabies... just because it hasn't happened near you, doesn't mean it can't... please, please innoculate your pets aginst whatever you can, it's the same as getting your kids their shots when they're little, prehaps even more important... we are not here to own pets, we are here to protect them, we are not overlords, we are caretakers, and that is an honor and a priviledge often shirked and misconstrued by humans... i am not saying that that is our only purpose here, i am only saying that in a world when we have domesticated and purpose bred so many things, that we should feel blessed and that we have been given a gift to be able to simply care for the creatures placed in our charge... a person would not think twice about caring correctly for a child, or at least, if they were caught out in a situation harmful to the child, then they are punished, and punished properly and for an appropriate length of time, or at least they are punished... i cannot tell you how many times i have heard of an animal abuser, a frequent animal abuser, set free with nothing more then probation... a criminal offence? sure, but only punished severly if they can tie something else into it... consider this:

~ a scarred dog named Fern, a sweet animal, but afraid of anyone but three people, because when she was a puppy, some drunk bastard chained her outside and set her on fire
~a huge dog named Jet, one of the most friendly animals, but reduced to a cowering puppy when ever anyone raised a their hand around her, even if just to scratch because when she was a puppy, she was beaten with a hose
~kittens left in a birdcage on someone's front proch until they died of hunger
~three horses starved and malnurished for years, a normal horse weighs in at about 900 pounds, these were only about 500 pounds each, days from death and two of them not expected to survive
~ a preganant nanny goat, painted blue, gagged, hog-tied and stuffed in a trash can, then abandoned on a high school roof until it was found on that friday morning... and for what? a prank...
~the owner of a puppy mill arrested for failing to dispose of the carcasses of 100 animals, and failure to vaccinate aginst rabies, she faces 100 level 2 misdemeanors for failure to dispose of the bodies and 23 counts of animal cruelty... (this one, at least i was able to find a substantial punishment for, she could be facing 6 months in jail for each misdemenor) the mill was for great danes and mastiffs, one of which weighed 55 pounds, which is about 80 pounds underweight, and it was still being used to produce puppies for profit, and another was 70 pounds (nomal wieght for a mastiff is about 170-180 pounds), covered in burn wounds and apparently had been eating sand and dirt to stay alive... it also had, i quote the vet on this "enough hook worm to kill a cow"
~two men who work for an animal rescue service, accused of kicking and beating a sick puppy, and then burying it alive
~ a cow mutulation used to get revenge on being evicted from an appartment, apprently these sickos found a cow nearby, decided to chop off it's head and then leave it in their former abode, to, i can only assume, punish the landlord
~another drunken asshole, picking up a three month old boxer puppy named Uncle Sam who accidently piddled on the floor and throwing it aginst a wall, the pup recieved cracked ribs, internal bleeding, a broken leg and swelling around the brain, though it's expected to live
~and something else i only recently found out about, apparently it's call "hoarding" and it means one bastard kept upwards of eighty cats locked in his house... they had to be put to sleep

the first two dogs were lucky, these dogs were found, and adopted by people who loved them until their dying days... but not every animal is as lucky... one of the few ways to fill me with rage enough to actaully lash out at someone is to abuse an innocent creature, and gods help the person who is foolish enough to abuse an animal around me... i would feel absolutly no remorse for whatever happens to that person, whether they get their justice from me, or from other sources... but you know what is the funniest, sickest irony here? i would be punished more for hurting the abuser, then the abuseing asshole would for killing the animal... i would never presume put a price on anything's life, human or otherwise, but i do put a price on the innocence of something helpless, i do put a price on the frailty of human nature in assuming that only our own kind should be protected by law and court... i have said that i have "children", people that i affectionatly "claim" as my own, but i know that if they were ever harmed, they would be protected by our society, i cannot be so certian of the fates of those creatures who look upon us with liquid eyes, who love us no matter what we do to them, and who are so often cruely betrayed by the beings they are dependent upon for their lives...
it makes me sick


(want to know more about animal cruelty? my source for a few of the cases listed above was the site http://www.pet-abuse.com/database/ ... all of these cases were from North Carolina alone i wouldn't eat before i browsed it, there are some really fucking sick freaks out there)

today today

today is okies, we got out early due to "inclement weather" but i still had to go to the evil doctor ( it is NOT cute to tell me i'm a "good bleeder" what is this? some sorta nurse code for "hey baby, want to come back to my place?") but i have to say, i have low blood pressure, so that's good... erm... mum's talking to her banjo teacher again... too bad it's a tape of kevin and not the actual guy she's fussing at... hahhaha... the saiyuki movie was... ok... i mean, i don't regret getting it, it was good, but it was sorta not what i expected... hakkai definatly sounded like a girl, but then, i'm told that most japanese voice actors are female anyway, so that may have been it... don't quote me on that... so anyhow, lovely josh[ie]-san, bearer of light and happiness, gave me the last few episodes of samurai champloo, or at least, as far as i know, and then the first cowboy bebop ep. which i'll more then likely get hooked on, and then the first of the FLCL ep.s, which was wiggy as the manga and is probably going to be even more so as an anime... but hey! anything that blows my tiny brain is worth cutting a deal for at least... there's a guy in my class, very pretty eyes this boy has, very pretty, green and everything, only he's an absolute shit... i mean that, horrid little boy-child... seems typical for me... if they're cute, then they're useless... they're only mildly amusing to debate things with, and then they get all rude and i get macho and vengence-thumping and it just goes straight to hell... anyhow, lovely andrew and his parental units gave us realllllly late christmas presents yesterday night, so we shall have to get him something nice in return... just got married, he did, very nice girl, i'm told (i was at work, didn't get to go to the ceremony) but at the age of nineteen too... apprently it runs in the family, the getting married really early thing... i think i shall run off and live starkers in the woods for a few years until the danger time ahs passed, then i can safely rejoin society... hahahaha... ha... erm...