the final word on what's up with love
i have done it.
i have done prehaps one of the bravest things that i have ever done in my short, uneventful life...i talked to my ex last night...and we're good now...i think...it's going to be a bit weird at first, but it's like luke said, it'll only be weird if we let it...and i'm not going to...if he ends up dating the girl he...the one who... damn it, if he ends up dating her...i give my blessing for it, not that either one of them cares. he needs someone there for him... i would worry about him alone, though why, i don't know, as he was alone before me, and so was i...alone is comfortable, but it's hard after not being so...well, not hard, just strange :) ...i worry about my adopted ones...i have a habit of collecting people, and i want them to be happy...
monday i was happy until the night, then i was numb, in shock, scared of hurting... tuesday and wednesday, i hurt so badly i thought i would die, i couldn't understand why i didn't fall on the floor and bleed to death through the hole where my heart used to be... thursday, i was disillusuioned with my own pain, i was stating to resent those people who wanted me to "talk about it", i was begining to see that this wasn't a tragedy, it was life... friday, i was still thinking of it as my fault, in some way yet unknown, i was begining to heal, but i was obsessing about it...yesterday? yesterday, i had time to think without school in the way, i had time to think about how a friend is something you never want to lose, even if all you do for them is listen to their problems and nod, and despite everything, i relised that if i let this become a rock to preach from, then it would undo all of my princepals, it go aginst every non-interfering rule that i have set for myself... i did my brief time as a high schooler, i served my sentence to mortal emotions...and i'm done now...i'm free...
i still hurt...but not now because of something someone else did, but because i let myself get involved like it was something that could last, not something horomone ridden like everything is in high school...no one understands how much of an anonomly this was for me, see people up here have only known me for a year and a half, they don't understand that when i like someone, i lie down until it passes, i sure as hell don't tell them about it or act on my feelings...
so i'm going back to my bench now, throwing in the towel, taking off my pads and putting away my jersey for good...everyone's going to tell me that i'm letting one relationship dictate my entire life, but they don't understand, for me, this was an expirement... i've dated before, in smaller doses, and it didn't work out then either... i'm not saying i'm not up for a bit of making out (yeah, what can i say, it can be nice), seriously, i'm still human, but a relationship...e-gad, absolutly not...
i have done prehaps one of the bravest things that i have ever done in my short, uneventful life...i talked to my ex last night...and we're good now...i think...it's going to be a bit weird at first, but it's like luke said, it'll only be weird if we let it...and i'm not going to...if he ends up dating the girl he...the one who... damn it, if he ends up dating her...i give my blessing for it, not that either one of them cares. he needs someone there for him... i would worry about him alone, though why, i don't know, as he was alone before me, and so was i...alone is comfortable, but it's hard after not being so...well, not hard, just strange :) ...i worry about my adopted ones...i have a habit of collecting people, and i want them to be happy...
monday i was happy until the night, then i was numb, in shock, scared of hurting... tuesday and wednesday, i hurt so badly i thought i would die, i couldn't understand why i didn't fall on the floor and bleed to death through the hole where my heart used to be... thursday, i was disillusuioned with my own pain, i was stating to resent those people who wanted me to "talk about it", i was begining to see that this wasn't a tragedy, it was life... friday, i was still thinking of it as my fault, in some way yet unknown, i was begining to heal, but i was obsessing about it...yesterday? yesterday, i had time to think without school in the way, i had time to think about how a friend is something you never want to lose, even if all you do for them is listen to their problems and nod, and despite everything, i relised that if i let this become a rock to preach from, then it would undo all of my princepals, it go aginst every non-interfering rule that i have set for myself... i did my brief time as a high schooler, i served my sentence to mortal emotions...and i'm done now...i'm free...
i still hurt...but not now because of something someone else did, but because i let myself get involved like it was something that could last, not something horomone ridden like everything is in high school...no one understands how much of an anonomly this was for me, see people up here have only known me for a year and a half, they don't understand that when i like someone, i lie down until it passes, i sure as hell don't tell them about it or act on my feelings...
so i'm going back to my bench now, throwing in the towel, taking off my pads and putting away my jersey for good...everyone's going to tell me that i'm letting one relationship dictate my entire life, but they don't understand, for me, this was an expirement... i've dated before, in smaller doses, and it didn't work out then either... i'm not saying i'm not up for a bit of making out (yeah, what can i say, it can be nice), seriously, i'm still human, but a relationship...e-gad, absolutly not...
posted by silver at 5:53 AM
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