i hate school

i do not dislike the homework, i do not dislike the learning, i dislike, with a passion bordering on revulsion, the people i must take my classes with. none of them are bad, none of the are terribly depressing or anything so melodramatic, but everytime i leave for an extended time by teh self, i hate going back. i know, i know, it's what everyone feels, but i do hate it, or dislike it or something, whatever. but i really wish i didn't have to, i resent the infingement upon my privacy, upon my lonely time, i resent the people who love me and wish to speak to me, the people who want me to be the happy shallow dancing hugging person i am when i am forced to be in society. it gets a little harder each time i come back to school to put my social mask back on. i hate it, i revile what i become when i am confronted with people. they unsettle me, make my fight-or-flight syndrome run on high, interrupt my ability to eat when i am hungary, interrupt my ability to sleep when i am tired. i don't think anyone relizes how deep this weird people-discomfort goes, i didn't even relise the reason i got sick to my stomach everytime i had to go into the territory of the many was because of the people, the incessent brushing of their minds aginst mine, the hum of their hearts and minds and fears, the stench of their anxiety and pheromones. i love a great many of humanity, i do. but i can barely stand to walk with them in the halls, to be pushed and tugged and swept along with the tides of hallways. some people shine in such circumstances, some folks need people to live (heh, so we all do, in one way or another). it might be bacuse i am clumsy, and am afraid of hurting someone. or possibly it might be because i m discomforted by the fact that i would be willing to leave them all behind in a heartbeat for the silence... the stillness... the black oblivion of space...
wheyhey, why do all my anxiety speils always come back to that? *is amused by the production of teenaged melodrama that occasionally seep in the edges despite the occupant's hardest attempts to subue them*