well now...had a bit of an emotional sneak attack today in school...never good, i think the little horrid buggers were trying to get back at me for ruthlessly stomping them into the ground and then spiting on the mangled remains...
so, sitting in the back of ap euro, and all of the sudden, i can't stop shaking, so i put my head down on my desk, and lo and behold! i start tearing up! wtf?!? i wonder, starting to panic... so i spend the entire class trying increasingly frantically to stop from crying and to stop my hands from shaking so badly so that i can take notes, and hoping to all heaven in it's glory that no one will notice, because i know that if anyone asks me about my odd behavour then i will break down entirely, and that is NOT ACCEPTABLE, not in front of that many people, i will not show weakness... then i *sweet relief* manage to make it out of class and into the hall, where i, of course, get trampled, like usual, even though i'm nearly six feet tall and i am NOT hard to miss, being a rather large personage... and finally arrive, just in the nick of time, into the arms of my sister han, who rocks me until i stop shaking... nome arrives in time to hug me too, so i must say i love you too ladies, but i can't uderstand what happened... why did i lose it like that? it can't be anything relationship related, as i'm currently between them, and even though i had the feeling of drowning in despair, i am no more depressed then usual (most people describe depression as a state to be avoided, but i find it nessesary for my art/life/dreaming being to work. it is a state i am familiar with and it never leaves me. i suppose the fact that i am able to be at peace with my depression and accept it as an integral part of me is what makes people often mistake my crass, brazen, loud mouthed public self for my real personality, which is no more tehna front spawned of being extremly uncomfortable with humanity. i don't really think it's depression actaully, i think i just have a dark mentality, a sort of deep intergral calm that is rarely broken except for the surface tension of everyday teenaged existance... i hesitate to say soul, as i am not sure that i do indeed have a proper one) i just cannot figure out any other logical explaination for my loss of control this afternoon. it puts me in rather an awkward situation, as i had to be comforted by several people, and this incarnation of myself finds emtional outbursts to be rather embarassing... i think that this sort of thing will happen agian if i keep repressing/denying my emotions... eventually, my control will once agian be broken without warning... but what choice do i have? i can either risk my serenity by letting the tides of a horomone driven mental malestrom decide my every action, or i can continue along this path, the one that means i continue with my practice of gradual emotional eradication/ dormentation... i think that learning to harness and curb my emotional influences will help me with making more rational decisions and enable me to become the being i strive to make myself, but i worry about what might happen to me if i do not let at least some of my emotions come through. i am, after all, human in body. and with that comes the squalid tempermental tourture of being human in mentality as well. at least today proved that there is, at least, a wall to break, which means that i am that much nearer to acheiving my goal. but, just as i cannot follow the more moderate path that most people would expect of of my all-pleasing personality, so i cannot choose when to allow my build up of emotions to flow.